"The only time in my life where Nic Cage said it best..."
Prepare for my outlet...
So I know life never goes as planned. I'm not saying I need it to or I want it to, but when does a shitty situation finally fizzle out?
Anj and I went to visit her new plastic surgeon on Thursday. Thanks to our insurance and their insistence that her situation wasn't "medically necessary" we decided to find a new one within our group instead of fighting for months and wasting any more time. Anj has been in constant pain and the top of her right breast looks completely bruised, but hey no big deal, right Anthem?
Turns out this was a little blessing in disguise, while at the same time a complete deflating of any hopes we had that this was an easy fix. Now I don't fault Dr. Mowlavi for what he did. He made it clear to us that Cancer patients, especially those who go through radiation, weren't his area of expertise. That would explain why he filled Anj's expanders to size Googolplexian during her bilateral mastectomy.
His plan, before being removed from our network, was to reinforce the skin around her right breast, and cut a small incision on the lower inside corner to allow the implant to settle. Currently the inner curve of her right breast looks like a group of speed bumps and the top inner corner looks like an alien is trying to poke it's way out.
Turns out his plan was total crap. Theoretically it would work. However, if Anj wanted the pain to stop on a permanent basis she would have to undergo another surgery. Mowlavi's fix was short-term, but normal looking (a word with a different meaning in our house) breasts. It wasn't the right move at all.
According to this surgeon, who knew more about the effects of chemo and radiation on the body, the chemo puts her body in a temporary state that eventually balances itself back out. Radiation, on the other hand, is a permanent change to her DNA. This essentially means that the condition of her right breast will never be the way it was in any form before being radiated.
That being said, he suggested we take another course of action. This being another surgery. If Anj wants to fix this the right way, and be rid of her pain and discomfort, this would be the way to go. It's a surgery called Tissue Flap Breast Reconstruction. Here's the glorious details from WebMD:
http://www.webmd.com/breast-cancer/tissue-flap-surgery-for-breast-reconstruction
Sounds simple enough, yes? We'll just scoop out some fat from somewhere in your body, easily grab a muscle and plop it in your chest. You'll be good as new within a few hours!
Here's what Anj has been through since March 2012, not counting MRI's, CT Scans, blood work, etc...
-Mammogram
-Biopsy
-Port-a-cath surgery.
-4 rounds of dose-dense chemo followed by an additional 12 regular rounds.
-Months of radiation.
-Bilateral mastectomy
-TONS of revisions to her right breast.
-Loss of her right nipple.
-Constant filling and draining of her expanders.
-Reconstructive surgery.
Now add this additional surgery to the mix, and you'll understand why this news completely deflated us.
I can't count the number of times we said, "As soon as this is done we'll have everything behind us and we can move on." Each time we said that, it's never actually been the case. Furthest thing from it, actually. You have no idea the mental toll that takes on a person.
So now Anj has two options. She can either go through another extensive surgery that will finally put an end to this journey of unfairness, or just lose her right side all together. Would you rather be shot or stabbed? Would you rather be kicked or punched in the balls?
So why wouldn't she jump to have the surgery? When she last had extensive surgery the following night was a complete nightmare. She was groggy, doped up on pain meds and had a resting heart rate between 140 and 150 bpm. This would then set off an alarm that would make her panic and send her heart rate even higher. She said it was horrible feeling like that, and I can't say I blame her. She doesn't want to go through that again. She doesn't want drains again. She doesn't want additional scars.
Look, she's 28 years old and when she looks in the mirror she sees things that women her age shouldn't see. Hell, she sees things NO woman should ever have to see! Can you imagine, as a woman, looking in the mirror or showering and seeing a scar from one end of the breast to the other in place of a nipple? A little ways above that is another scar where her port-a-cath currently sits. Let's add an additional scar to her stomach while we're at it. No big deal at this point, right? She's borderline Anjenstein anyway! What's one more "badge of honor"?
The only other option is to just not have a right breast at all. I told her that, yes, in the short-term this would work since she wouldn't have to have surgery. However, this would devastate her in the long-term. If she feels the way she does when she looks in the mirror now, I can't even begin to imagine the lifetime emotional toll having one breast would take on her.
We have some praying to do. There's no easy answer to this. In the meantime she's going to go ahead and make an appointment with this doctor to see what he has to say. The only thing that keeps going through my head is no matter what decision she makes I can't help but wonder what's going to happen after that to deflate us all over again.
It's a horrible feeling standing by someone that had Cancer. It's total helplessness. There's nothing I can do to stop the pain or make her feel better about her body. I had to sit by and watch Cancer try to kill her. Even after she castrated it, it left behind a huge mess that only she can clean up. Again, there's nothing I can do but stand by. I want to take this from her and deal with it so she doesn't have to, but I can't.
I've talked about this to her many times in the past. We're both the black sheep of our families, so life hasn't necessarily been easy for either of us. Not shocking that we found each other based on that. The thing that sucks is I just feel like our life is destined to be one failure or trial after another. I feel like we're meant to be here just to be an example to others. Things will never balance out.
We look around us, and there's nothing at all typical about our lives. We haven't had a vacation in over two years. We rent a tiny apartment and the thought of starting a family together is so foreign to us because it seems like it's never going to be in the cards. We're constantly broke and when that happens another medical bill finds its way to our mailbox.
Add these daily stresses to the load Anj is already trying to balance, and you can see why each day is a struggle. We try so hard to laugh and smile, but sometimes we just don't have it in us to do that anymore. I can't tell you the amount of times we've wanted to just give up and collapse.
So here's the hope. The surgery is easier than we thought, the recovery is short and the end of this starts immediately after Anj has her first post-surgery full-body shower and does a cartwheel.
If our history has taught us anything, there's probably another speed bump ahead of that.
For the love of God, please let this truly be the end of her battle and the start of her post-Cancer life, because I'm tired of seeing this normally happy and extremely funny woman collapse on a daily basis.
This is for you honey. Hopefully it's a little uplifting:
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