The Myth Known As "The Breaking Point."

                                        "The only time in my life where Nic Cage said it best..."


Prepare for my outlet...

So I know life never goes as planned. I'm not saying I need it to or I want it to, but when does a shitty situation finally fizzle out?

Anj and I went to visit her new plastic surgeon on Thursday. Thanks to our insurance and their insistence that her situation wasn't "medically necessary" we decided to find a new one within our group instead of fighting for months and wasting any more time. Anj has been in constant pain and the top of her right breast looks completely bruised, but hey no big deal, right Anthem?

Turns out this was a little blessing in disguise, while at the same time a complete deflating of any hopes we had that this was an easy fix. Now I don't fault Dr. Mowlavi for what he did. He made it clear to us that Cancer patients, especially those who go through radiation, weren't his area of expertise. That would explain why he filled Anj's expanders to size Googolplexian during her bilateral mastectomy.

His plan, before being removed from our network, was to reinforce the skin around her right breast, and cut a small incision on the lower inside corner to allow the implant to settle. Currently the inner curve of her right breast looks like a group of speed bumps and the top inner corner looks like an alien is trying to poke it's way out.

Turns out his plan was total crap. Theoretically it would work. However, if Anj wanted the pain to stop on a permanent basis she would have to undergo another surgery. Mowlavi's fix was short-term, but normal looking (a word with a different meaning in our house) breasts. It wasn't the right move at all.

According to this surgeon, who knew more about the effects of chemo and radiation on the body, the chemo puts her body in a temporary state that eventually balances itself back out. Radiation, on the other hand, is a permanent change to her DNA. This essentially means that the condition of her right breast will never be the way it was in any form before being radiated.

That being said, he suggested we take another course of action. This being another surgery. If Anj wants to fix this the right way, and be rid of her pain and discomfort, this would be the way to go. It's a surgery called Tissue Flap Breast Reconstruction. Here's the glorious details from WebMD:

http://www.webmd.com/breast-cancer/tissue-flap-surgery-for-breast-reconstruction

Sounds simple enough, yes? We'll just scoop out some fat from somewhere in your body, easily grab a muscle and plop it in your chest. You'll be good as new within a few hours!

Here's what Anj has been through since March 2012, not counting MRI's, CT Scans, blood work, etc...

-Mammogram
-Biopsy
-Port-a-cath surgery.
-4 rounds of dose-dense chemo followed by an additional 12 regular rounds.
-Months of radiation.
-Bilateral mastectomy
-TONS of revisions to her right breast.
-Loss of her right nipple.
-Constant filling and draining of her expanders.
-Reconstructive surgery.

Now add this additional surgery to the mix, and you'll understand why this news completely deflated us.

I can't count the number of times we said, "As soon as this is done we'll have everything behind us and we can move on." Each time we said that, it's never actually been the case. Furthest thing from it, actually. You have no idea the mental toll that takes on a person.

So now Anj has two options. She can either go through another extensive surgery that will finally put an end to this journey of unfairness, or just lose her right side all together. Would you rather be shot or stabbed? Would you rather be kicked or punched in the balls?

So why wouldn't she jump to have the surgery? When she last had extensive surgery the following night was a complete nightmare. She was groggy, doped up on pain meds and had a resting heart rate between 140 and 150 bpm. This would then set off an alarm that would make her panic and send her heart rate even higher. She said it was horrible feeling like that, and I can't say I blame her. She doesn't want to go through that again. She doesn't want drains again. She doesn't want additional scars.

Look, she's 28 years old and when she looks in the mirror she sees things that women her age shouldn't see. Hell, she sees things NO woman should ever have to see! Can you imagine, as a woman, looking in the mirror or showering and seeing a scar from one end of the breast to the other in place of a nipple? A little ways above that is another scar where her port-a-cath currently sits. Let's add an additional scar to her stomach while we're at it. No big deal at this point, right? She's borderline Anjenstein anyway! What's one more "badge of honor"?

The only other option is to just not have a right breast at all. I told her that, yes, in the short-term this would work since she wouldn't have to have surgery. However, this would devastate her in the long-term. If she feels the way she does when she looks in the mirror now, I can't even begin to imagine the lifetime emotional toll having one breast would take on her.

We have some praying to do. There's no easy answer to this. In the meantime she's going to go ahead and make an appointment with this doctor to see what he has to say. The only thing that keeps going through my head is no matter what decision she makes I can't help but wonder what's going to happen after that to deflate us all over again.

It's a horrible feeling standing by someone that had Cancer. It's total helplessness. There's nothing I can do to stop the pain or make her feel better about her body. I had to sit by and watch Cancer try to kill her. Even after she castrated it, it left behind a huge mess that only she can clean up. Again, there's nothing I can do but stand by. I want to take this from her and deal with it so she doesn't have to, but I can't.

I've talked about this to her many times in the past. We're both the black sheep of our families, so life hasn't necessarily been easy for either of us. Not shocking that we found each other based on that. The thing that sucks is I just feel like our life is destined to be one failure or trial after another. I feel like we're meant to be here just to be an example to others. Things will never balance out.

We look around us, and there's nothing at all typical about our lives. We haven't had a vacation in over two years. We rent a tiny apartment and the thought of starting a family together is so foreign to us because it seems like it's never going to be in the cards. We're constantly broke and when that happens another medical bill finds its way to our mailbox.

Add these daily stresses to the load Anj is already trying to balance, and you can see why each day is a struggle. We try so hard to laugh and smile, but sometimes we just don't have it in us to do that anymore. I can't tell you the amount of times we've wanted to just give up and collapse.

So here's the hope. The surgery is easier than we thought, the recovery is short and the end of  this starts immediately after Anj has her first post-surgery full-body shower and does a cartwheel.

If our history has taught us anything, there's probably another speed bump ahead of that.

For the love of God, please let this truly be the end of her battle and the start of her post-Cancer life, because I'm tired of seeing this normally happy and extremely funny woman collapse on a daily basis.

This is for you honey. Hopefully it's a little uplifting:

Seriously Considering Gender Reassignment

"MY BARLLS!"

This entire time I was thinking my second blog post would be filled with everything I'm ashamed of while going through Anj's 18 months of cancer, when something else decided to happen. 

I've been in a nice amount of pain in the last couple of weeks in the testicular region. Weird that I was able to notice this pain even though they've been shielded in Anj's purse since our wedding. I think it's convenient the way that works out. I get to see them once a year, Christmas or Birthday, and yet I have the honor of dealing with any issues that happens to come their way. Thanks, honey.

Anyway, I've been tolerating this pain for a little while now. Did what every level-headed person does and relied on the information I found on the interwebs. Apparently this was something that could take care of itself after a few days, so my stubborn ways said to just deal with it.

Fast-forward a couple of weeks later to this past Monday, and things changed quickly. What the always-accurate internet had been telling me turned out to NOT be true! I was hurtin'! A LOT! Still, I pressed on and went to work on Tuesday. That lasted all of a couple of hours before I made the call to Anj to come pick me up and take me to my doctor. This whole time I was unable to really dig in there and try to find what might be causing it, since even the wind changing direction would bring me to my knees.

Dr. DeSilva...the only man who has seen my balls more than Billy. He checked my left side...all good there. Then he jumped over to the right, and got all kinds of up-in-there. You know how they say people who are clinically dead see their entire lives flash before their eyes before they're revived? While not clinically dead, any man reading this knows that the slightest nudge on the kugelsack can feel like death is trying to get to the insides like a pinata. Captain Two-Fingers got in there deep, and I felt like I was going to pass out. He kept telling me he was sorry as he dug in there further. Three separate times this happened, and each time he apologized. All I could think of was how I was going to haunt his ass for the rest of his life when he was done killing me.

Turns out I had what's called Epididymitis. This happens when the Epididymis (shocking) is inflamed. This is the tube that connects my eggs to the vas deferens.

SPOILER ALERT AND GRAPHIC(ish) DEPICTION BELOW

"There's the bastard! Let's get him!"

So essentially this section is inflamed which is causing all my pain. Dr. DeSilva put it nicely. He let me know that the constant pain is due to the fact that the Epididymis can barely support the weight of the testicle. Add any movement and you'll understand why it looks like I'm crying the next time you see me.

Doctor ordered an ultrasound for me as well as some antibiotics and anti-inflammatory meds. He wanted to ensure I was getting adequate blood flow and that there were no tumors or cysts...something we take VERY seriously in our house for some reason...

Before he left, he also asked his nurse Maureen to give me a shot of  Naproxen. Now, I haven't had a shot in a long time. You know how a McDonald's "cheeseburger" tastes the same now as it did when you had one as a kid? Shots are a lot like that. Nothing new has been added to the shot process. It's still a metal needle penetrating your skin. No real advancements there. It hurt like hell when I was little, and it hurt worse this time because I'm a bigger baby than I was when I was an actual baby.

This shot, however, quickly became my best friend. After getting a little prick directly in my ass (go ahead) the nurse had me sit back down. She called Anj in to keep me company and to monitor me for the next 10 minutes. I was talking to Anj for a couple of minutes when, mid-sentence, it kicked in nicely! I felt so good...and warm...and probably how my parents did in the early 70's.

Nurse Maureen came in and asked how I was doing. I let her know how good I felt, and she decided to have me stand up. Now, getting this shot and sitting down was like finding a dollar on the sidewalk. Standing up, however, was like winning a shopping spree at the Store of Everything That Is Awesome! I remember telling Nurse Maureen that she was my new favorite person as she and Anj helped walk my doped-up ass to the door. 

Anj drove me home, and I remember two things...eating soup and calling Billy at work. I remember a customer of mine needing some help with his computer settings. The thing I don't remember is the actual conversation I had with Billy. He told me I was slurring. I wish I could've heard this conversation. Had to be interesting.

I rode this wave for almost 5 hours. The majority of it I slept through, which was fine because I did become nauseous at one point. Still, the first couple of hours I would highly suggest to anyone that has a free weekend.

The next day I went in for an ultrasound. I remember standing at the counter behind some typical Orange County housewife bitching to the poor lady about how their information was wrong and how her insurance cleared her for this or that or botox or whatever-the-crap. I was hurting really bad, so Anj took my insurance card and stood there for me. 

We were called back pretty quickly. It's weird when the person that is about to do your ultrasound says the following:

"Pull your penis up and put this towel on top of it...hey I remember you (Anj)!"

All that aside, there's a small handful of people in my life that have actually handled my purse. Most of them were doctors, while others were people whose names I never got. That being said, with the amount of pain I was in I was a little nervous to have someone drag what was essentially a lubed-up radar across my balls. I was out of it and told her I'd probably fall asleep anyway. Again, if you have a spare weekend I highly suggest you get one of these. It's like a tender massage for your nads that your insurance has to pay for.

Everything looked good. Blood flow on par with whatever they consider normal and, most importantly, no lumps. I cleaned up my crotch with a towel (not the first time) pulled up my shorts made of modesty and had Anj drive us home.

So while I'm dealing with a constant pain, it should subside in the next five days or so. Just need to keep taking my meds. In the meantime, Anj is launching a full investigation to find out how this happened. My doctor asked me if I had any new sexual partners, which I denied. Anj isn't buying it, so while she's heading over to destroy Billy, Alan, Steve etc...I'll be packing my bags for Mexico.

Esto es a vivir en la clandestinidad por la vida!

The Art of Being Pwned by Humility

I let Anj know a couple of days ago I was going to start a blog as a means of thanking everyone for everything they've done for us these past 18 months, but then I realized why she uses this as an outlet. I didn't want to post some huge novel in Facebook. I hate reading long posts, so I'm just going to assume everyone thinks identically to me. Instead, I'm going to put my long post here to make it 8% easier on the eyes.

While I'm starting this off as the worlds longest acceptance speech, I also plan to share what my experiences were like supporting Anj through her battle with breast cancer. There's a lot of situations I am proud of, but probably even more I'm not. I'll get to that later, though. Feel free to skip to your name if you'd like, because this is going to be lengthy (for the computer-illiterate, just hit CTRL-F and type in your name or find more time in your day). In the meantime, bring on the humility (in no particular order)!

Tom and Janet

Anj's parents...where to begin? These two people are the definition of selflessness. The past 18 months have been a financial nightmare for us. We both missed a ton of work, and having moved in two months prior to Anj's diagnosis were never properly set up to handle anything. There were times our checking account was overdrawn and we had no food. These two bailed us out every single time without us having to ask. It's not just that, though. While money takes care of itself, it was the way they made sure we were taken care of. Tom would work a long day in Carlsbad, drive to Wildomar to pick up Janet and then drive to us just to see us for a few minutes and make sure we had food. He would then brave the 91 parking lot on his way back home...all that for a small interaction.

They were there for us spiritually. They presented us both with little spiritual trinkets from here or there that were perfect for us individually. They came out our way just to spend time with Anj at church. We are always a part of their prayer group. We prayed before her surgeries, which if you've ever heard Janet pray, you knew you were in for something special!

They were there to help distract us. They'd come over to hang out for the day and take us to lunch. They watched Anj until one in the morning so I could spend a night out at Universal for Halloween a few days after her first surgery. 

They were there for random acts of kindness. Tom loaded his truck with the spare king-sized bed they had so they could swap it with our full-sized. They found a Susan G. Komen beach cruiser on sale and made sure Anj got it. Even took me out to try to find one so I could ride with her, and even though we found nothing, it was the thought that counts.

I can't begin to describe what these two mean to me. Their kindness is something I feel I'll never be able to return the same way they gave it, but what's most amazing about them is that they don't expect it.

My Dad, Karen and Grandma

Man I miss these guys! There were so many times through this I told Anj I wished they hadn't moved. For about a year these guys helped pay our rent. What makes this so amazing is it was offered. I never asked for it. I remember talking to my dad on the phone about it once. I told him how humbled I was by it and how guilty I felt needing it. He told me, "Well it's the right thing to do.", which not only put my mind at ease, but was the perfect way to let us both know just how much we were loved.

There was one day in particular that I'll never forget. Anj was well into her chemo when there was a knock at the door. Karen and my Grandma drove over from Washington and surprised us. I can't begin to tell you how much that meant to us both! It felt like such a relief to see these two faces in front of me. Two of the most loving people I've ever known and hadn't seen in so long were in front of me. It's a hug I'll never forget!

I still enjoy the conversations on the phone with my dad. We haven't necessarily been the closest through life, but that's changed and I'm very content with where our relationship is. He started a new job in a new state, and still found a way to help us with our greatest expense. I can't thank him enough!

Mom and Andrew

There's something funny about being an adult (biologically) and still needing mommy. There's something about her voice, her face and her laugh that tends to put me completely at ease. She was my voice when things felt like they were at their breaking point. She makes it very clear that my little vices don't matter in the grand scheme of things...how many times have I apologized for the small apartment? She's been fantastic with the distractions as well. You haven't experienced going out for lunch until you've gone with her! This lady knows how to enjoy some time out! 

I remember one particular day in general. Anj was recently diagnosed, and mom, Andrew, Bre and Gavin came over to take us out to Mitsuwa. Now we love going there for lunch, but usually end up with a couple of bowls of ramen. Here's the way she does it...everybody position yourself at one of the restaurants and come back with a plate! Family-style, mofo!

Andrew...the silent ninja with the biggest heart! He'll probably kill me for being so open, but he can suck it! Probably the greatest thing that has happened to our family! While he doesn't come out and say it, his actions speak for themselves. I know he hates hospitals with a passion, but he was there for Anj's surgery from start to finish. He was actually the one who helped me flag someone down so I could see her in recovery. Not only that, but he was back the next day to visit. We bought a dining room table right when Anj returned home from her double mastectomy, and he made sure it was built. He always made sure we were taken care of and has incredible patience! 

Thank you both so much for everything! Days out for lunch, taking Anj to see Ellen, loading us up often with Trader Joe's, cooking dinner and ensuring I didn't get up to do anything, taking Anj to various appointments...I love you both so much, and can't tell you how much your love and support has meant to me! It's something else I feel I'll never be able to return in the same way it was given!

Adam, Bre and Gavin

Bre...I hate to break this to you, but not only do you look like mom, but everything you did for us was on the same level! My sister was there for Anj's surgery from start to finish, helped Andrew build our table, cooked dinner for us and ensured Anj got to appointments that I couldn't take her to. She, too, was the voice I went to when I felt like things were falling apart. She's the team captain for PWN Cancer, which will be walking the Susan G. Komen 1-Day Walk in San Diego again this year. She shows my wife a love that humbles me and has accepted her as if she's been in our family since day 1. She's the matriarch, and does it well!

We'd have no team shirts if it wasn't for Adam. I remember him showing me the different layouts and told me not to tell Anj until they were brought over. The words he put together to honor Anj through all this were some of the most heartfelt words I've ever known! He has a heart that's slightly bigger than his feet, and the support he's shown us has blown my mind! He's always been there when we needed anything, and I only wish we were able to see him more.

Gavs...this little kid is pure entertainment! He's slowly been pushing aside his shyness toward "Auntie Ansh", and seeing this little soul interact with her melts my heart! I love the video battles we send back and forth. He can always be counted on for laughs, but the one thing that will always stand out during these last 18 months is this...

Ryan, Erin, Ant, Belly, Car and Brit

You Busnardo people have been incredible! They tried joining us for the 1-Day walk, but were unable to in the end. Very busy people, but when we do get to see them they're always so generous and loving! They show a love and kindness to Anj that just makes me feel so warm! They've helped us financially a bit during this at a time when we really needed it. It's a difficult thing not being able to afford Christmas presents for your nieces and nephews. That didn't matter to anyone anyway, but there's a certain shame that goes along with it. On Christmas day they presented some money to Anj and I that really helped us when we needed it most. I remember tearing up when it was given to us.

They've always been so hospitable to us, and really went out of their way to ensure Anj had what she needed when we came over during her treatment.

Erin surprised us a few hours before Anj's surgery with a visit to the hospital. She brought Car and Brit with her, and it really touched my heart to see them. Car went out of her way to make me laugh when Anj was taken in and we went down to get something to eat. I still have a blurry picture of her laughing with a mouth full of food...I'll spare you on that one.

Ant and Belly have treated Anj with so much love and respect and I couldn't ask for anything more from either of them! They continue to get in fights with me, but that's the way it's supposed to be!

 Ryan and Erin, thank you so much for loving us as much as you do!


JR, Rita, Kaleb and Aidina

Man it sucked having you in Japan for this entire thing! I wanted to thank you for all your advice and prayers during these last 18 months! You did what you could for us even though you were 7,000 miles away! The one thing that stood out the most, however, is when you contacted us around Christmas time and let us know that the money JR would've spent on your gift was instead heading our way. You have no idea how much that not only uplifted our spirits, but helped us to exhale a little. That was a completely selfless thing to do, and I still don't feel I was worthy enough for such a kind act.

You sent us all kinds of cool little things from Japan that we use almost daily! Little things like that helped out in big ways too. "I want my tea." is still a common saying in our house thanks to that video of Kaleb.

I miss you guys so much, and can't wait to see you in February...Adina too, if you insist on bringing him with you...


Blaine Stone

It's sad that he probably doesn't remember a lot of what went on, but he's always loved Anj so much that I know he remembers she beat cancer. He helped us out financially as well right at the start when we were so unsure of things. There's a horrible reality we needed to face the day she was diagnosed. Not only how we were going to be able to afford all the co-pays and bills, but what would our income look like with the insane amount of time this required. He helped us out in a major way on day one, and it's something I'll never forget!


Michael, Marylou, Luke and Lexi


You guys continue to rock! I wanted to thank Michael for driving all the way out to us just to visit with Anj for a little while. He came on a day when the parking lot was being repaved, so he was patient enough to parkour his way to our front door. I know it meant a lot to Anj to see you.

Marylou went all-out and participated in the Susan G. Komen 3-Day walk in San Diego in Anj's name. She hosted fund raisers to raise the needed amount of money to participate. While we were only able to attend one of them, we know the amount of work it took to not only raise the money, but to actually walk 20 miles a day for three days! We were there when she finished, and got to witness the wrap-up which was a very emotional event. Can't thank you enough for all that you did in Anj's name! This picture pretty much sums up Marylou's approach to the entire walk! Non-stop energy!

Sean, Linds, Syd, Austin, Ryan, Lacey etc...

You guys have always been there for Anj, and this was no exception. You guys always kept her in your thoughts and prayers, and I can't thank you enough for it.

Sean drove all the way out to the hospital a couple of days after Anj's double mastectomy to visit her. It meant so much to her that he did that. It wasn't a short drive and it was in the middle of his work day. She was smiling so much after you left.

Linds you were so vocal throughout this process. You've honored Anj throughout with everything you've done, most recently the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer 5K. I know you walk in honor of others as well, but including her is more than we can ask for.

Thank you guys for three adorable nieces and nephews, and one dog that refuses to not be a part of every picture. The few times we were able to see you during the past 18 months were always entertaining...looking at you, Austin.


Alan and Lara

Can't say enough about the support and kindness of these two. Alan came by with his brother once to drop off flowers, and then he and Lara brought us a box of individually bagged food for us to freeze so we wouldn't have to worry about dinner for a while. Little things like this were huge for us! Any tiny little issue we could forget about was the biggest weight off our shoulders, and I can't thank you two enough for it!

The one thing that I hold highest is the one thing that Alan doesn't have. Any tiny little advantage I can get over him is a major victory for me. Alan's mom hand-made what has become the most comfortable item I've ever known. It was Anj's security blanket through every chemo she had, and it makes me happy to know that her and I can now share this for the rest of our lives...and that Alan doesn't have one. Feast your eyes on the greatest blanket known to mankind and its effects!

Seriously, love you guys!


Andrew and Wynter

You guys were always there if we needed anything, and never let us forget it! It was comforting knowing we had people we could lean on at any time. You guys took Anj's PWN Cancer logo and made them into car stickers for us.

Andrew donated some of his paid time to me right after Anj's diagnosis. He was the first person I hugged the day I found out at work. It's people like this that we're lucky to have in our lives!

Azlin...you were able to boss Anj around during the watch party...we must talk sometime.

Chance? You're still fresh, but I did want to thank you for curling your toes on my finger. One of my favorite things about little ones is their ability to perch.


Billy, Jacquie, Phoebe and Layla

You guys spoil us! Cancer-free dinner celebration was the longest and most entertaining dinner I've ever had! Inviting us to your house for dinner with live entertainment from Phoebe and letting me hog Layla was a blast! You might be the only two people on this planet that love Anj more than I do...and I know one of you would LOVE to have me out of the picture!

Thank you for all the videos of Phoebe wishing Anj good luck. I still watch those, because it's not right how cute she is!

The support you two have shown us has been very humbling! I'm lucky to have your entire family in my life, and I guess it's also proof that Kings fans and Ducks fans can be friends...July through September, that is.


Dealersocket

This company just isn't right. I've never known a company to bend over backwards the way they did through every single ounce of unpredictability that came our way. Some companies talk about being family-oriented, but this company truly practices what they preach!

A few days after Anj was diagnosed and everything was a complete disaster, this came to our house from my "Dealersocket Family" along with flowers:

Never known a company that does that.

I missed a ton of work, because every single aspect of Anj's treatment never went as planned. There were so many unplanned additional tests and appointments that came our way with little to no notice. All they wanted was a call. They never once made me feel as though I had to choose between taking care of Anj or losing my job. Amber and Stephen I'm looking at you!

I've sent a couple of emails to the owners of this company thanking them for providing an amazing job with benefits that saved Anj's life. They know her story, replied to my emails and never made me feel as though they were too busy for this lowly peon. On top of that, Jonathan Ord gave the green light for Anj to take the Dealersocket logo and tweak it. He took her design, had shirts made and donated all proceeds to various breast cancer foundations.

Again, what company does this? 

If I was ever blessed with anything, it is this job. Thank you to the entire company for everything!

Jason McElwee

Since I know you love attention, I'll just thank you for this:

Whitney

This one is just for you...you'll understand:

And the rest...

So many of you have done so much for us through this all, and I apologize if I forgot anyone because the last 18 months have been a complete blur. Shelbie for your prayers and the LOVE sign we still have up in our kitchen. Samara ordering us dinner and having it delivered. Our good friend Lindsay with the amazing way she can put a prayer together. Aunt Terry...always there for us, always will be! Please forgive me if I missed anyone! 

Lastly, my wife Anjanette

Words can't express how much I love and respect you. There's a guilt that I'll always carry with the way I handled some of our situations during your battle. I won't get into detail here, but we both know what they are. There's a certain new level of stress that comes along with cancer that you can't describe unless you've gone through it. Every single day was a challenge for us, and we both broke many times. I still tell myself that I should have been stronger for you. I look back at the pictures of you when you were bald, had no appetite, was constantly uncomfortable, couldn't drink water because it was like licking a battery and was on the verge of destructing due to the chemical mixtures you had to put into your body on a daily basis and I wonder why I couldn't just dig a little deeper and find some ounce of strength left to hold you up.

You're my hero. I still question how God could even begin to think that I was worthy enough to be with you. You have a tenderness to you that calms me, and more love in your heart than I can accept at one time...but that doesn't stop you from continuing to give it. You're my entire world, and I'll do everything in my power to make sure you're happy and feel no discomfort for the rest of your life. 

Watching how you handled everything thrown at you still blows my mind! We thought surgery was going to happen immediately. When it turned out there was going to be dose-dense chemo first that was literally going to wipe your body out, you handled it with grace. When we were told after that that 16 additional rounds of chemo was next in place of surgery, you held your head up high. When you lost your right nipple after surgery, you focused on the blessing of being cancer-free. When the scar on your right breast continued to leak and soak your shirts for weeks, you stuffed towels under your shirt and went back to Mowlavi's office the next day to get sewn up again. When you had complications with radiation, you accepted it as God's will. 

When you look at all that, it blows my mind that people think that their coffee being made incorrectly is devastating to their entire day, or having to downgrade or change the date to their vacation plans is such an issue. There's so many things that people consider "problems" that you and I wish we could experience! I know that small problems in someones life can be a major issue depending on what they have going on, but when I look back at every single thing that was thrown at you in the past 18 months, I'd love to challenge them to go through it and see if the missing whipped cream on their coffee was as devastating as they thought.

I love you forever, sweetie. I told you numerous times I wish I could take the cancer from you and let my body deal with it. Looking back, while chivalrous, I don't think there's any way I could have handled it with the patience, trust and grace that you did.

This, to me, sums up your entire attitude through your treatment. It was by no means easy, but you sure made it look like it was!