"MY BARLLS!"
This entire time I was thinking my second blog post would be filled with everything I'm ashamed of while going through Anj's 18 months of cancer, when something else decided to happen.
I've been in a nice amount of pain in the last couple of weeks in the testicular region. Weird that I was able to notice this pain even though they've been shielded in Anj's purse since our wedding. I think it's convenient the way that works out. I get to see them once a year, Christmas or Birthday, and yet I have the honor of dealing with any issues that happens to come their way. Thanks, honey.
Anyway, I've been tolerating this pain for a little while now. Did what every level-headed person does and relied on the information I found on the interwebs. Apparently this was something that could take care of itself after a few days, so my stubborn ways said to just deal with it.
Fast-forward a couple of weeks later to this past Monday, and things changed quickly. What the always-accurate internet had been telling me turned out to NOT be true! I was hurtin'! A LOT! Still, I pressed on and went to work on Tuesday. That lasted all of a couple of hours before I made the call to Anj to come pick me up and take me to my doctor. This whole time I was unable to really dig in there and try to find what might be causing it, since even the wind changing direction would bring me to my knees.
Dr. DeSilva...the only man who has seen my balls more than Billy. He checked my left side...all good there. Then he jumped over to the right, and got all kinds of up-in-there. You know how they say people who are clinically dead see their entire lives flash before their eyes before they're revived? While not clinically dead, any man reading this knows that the slightest nudge on the kugelsack can feel like death is trying to get to the insides like a pinata. Captain Two-Fingers got in there deep, and I felt like I was going to pass out. He kept telling me he was sorry as he dug in there further. Three separate times this happened, and each time he apologized. All I could think of was how I was going to haunt his ass for the rest of his life when he was done killing me.
Turns out I had what's called Epididymitis. This happens when the Epididymis (shocking) is inflamed. This is the tube that connects my eggs to the vas deferens.
SPOILER ALERT AND GRAPHIC(ish) DEPICTION BELOW
"There's the bastard! Let's get him!"
So essentially this section is inflamed which is causing all my pain. Dr. DeSilva put it nicely. He let me know that the constant pain is due to the fact that the Epididymis can barely support the weight of the testicle. Add any movement and you'll understand why it looks like I'm crying the next time you see me.
Doctor ordered an ultrasound for me as well as some antibiotics and anti-inflammatory meds. He wanted to ensure I was getting adequate blood flow and that there were no tumors or cysts...something we take VERY seriously in our house for some reason...
Before he left, he also asked his nurse Maureen to give me a shot of Naproxen. Now, I haven't had a shot in a long time. You know how a McDonald's "cheeseburger" tastes the same now as it did when you had one as a kid? Shots are a lot like that. Nothing new has been added to the shot process. It's still a metal needle penetrating your skin. No real advancements there. It hurt like hell when I was little, and it hurt worse this time because I'm a bigger baby than I was when I was an actual baby.
This shot, however, quickly became my best friend. After getting a little prick directly in my ass (go ahead) the nurse had me sit back down. She called Anj in to keep me company and to monitor me for the next 10 minutes. I was talking to Anj for a couple of minutes when, mid-sentence, it kicked in nicely! I felt so good...and warm...and probably how my parents did in the early 70's.
Nurse Maureen came in and asked how I was doing. I let her know how good I felt, and she decided to have me stand up. Now, getting this shot and sitting down was like finding a dollar on the sidewalk. Standing up, however, was like winning a shopping spree at the Store of Everything That Is Awesome! I remember telling Nurse Maureen that she was my new favorite person as she and Anj helped walk my doped-up ass to the door.
Anj drove me home, and I remember two things...eating soup and calling Billy at work. I remember a customer of mine needing some help with his computer settings. The thing I don't remember is the actual conversation I had with Billy. He told me I was slurring. I wish I could've heard this conversation. Had to be interesting.
I rode this wave for almost 5 hours. The majority of it I slept through, which was fine because I did become nauseous at one point. Still, the first couple of hours I would highly suggest to anyone that has a free weekend.
The next day I went in for an ultrasound. I remember standing at the counter behind some typical Orange County housewife bitching to the poor lady about how their information was wrong and how her insurance cleared her for this or that or botox or whatever-the-crap. I was hurting really bad, so Anj took my insurance card and stood there for me.
We were called back pretty quickly. It's weird when the person that is about to do your ultrasound says the following:
"Pull your penis up and put this towel on top of it...hey I remember you (Anj)!"
All that aside, there's a small handful of people in my life that have actually handled my purse. Most of them were doctors, while others were people whose names I never got. That being said, with the amount of pain I was in I was a little nervous to have someone drag what was essentially a lubed-up radar across my balls. I was out of it and told her I'd probably fall asleep anyway. Again, if you have a spare weekend I highly suggest you get one of these. It's like a tender massage for your nads that your insurance has to pay for.
Everything looked good. Blood flow on par with whatever they consider normal and, most importantly, no lumps. I cleaned up my crotch with a towel (not the first time) pulled up my shorts made of modesty and had Anj drive us home.
So while I'm dealing with a constant pain, it should subside in the next five days or so. Just need to keep taking my meds. In the meantime, Anj is launching a full investigation to find out how this happened. My doctor asked me if I had any new sexual partners, which I denied. Anj isn't buying it, so while she's heading over to destroy Billy, Alan, Steve etc...I'll be packing my bags for Mexico.
Esto es a vivir en la clandestinidad por la vida!
